My 10th Birthday (Not A Good Time)

 My 10th birthday party was one of the most humiliating days of my life. It was also the day I lost most of my friends. 

I had been planning this day for a long time and was so excited to have all my friends over to celebrate. We would play games, do arts and crafts, and have pizza and cake like any other birthday party. Amazing. 

The problem was that I had this OCD thing going on and didn’t know it. When everyone got to my house, we started playing the games, and it was a great time until someone said they wanted to do something else. They wanted to go outside and play, then come inside later and play the games. This ruined me. I couldn’t handle the change of plans. I started to get upset and ended up locking myself in my room and crying for a while. I remember being so confused and embarrassed of myself. I knew how I felt was ridiculous and didn’t want to make a scene, so I locked myself in my room. 

I was alone in my room, trying to make sure no one knew how upset I was, but when the birthday girl was the one to go missing, people started to wonder. I could hear them all outside asking what happened and where I was and a lot of kinda condescending comments which I fully understand. But it didn’t feel great to hear, especially when I was already so embarrassed. 

I finally came back out, and you can’t really hide the fact that you’ve been sobbing for the past 15 minutes. My face was red, my eyes puffy, and I had a negative vibe overall. Of course, everyone had to ask what happened and I will never forget this one girl who was just so annoyed with me and couldn’t believe that I had a meltdown over something so insanely stupid. Same girl. Lol. I remember just not wanting to exist. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come back out. I wanted everyone to go home and for the day to be over, but unfortunately they were all sleeping over LOL, so that wasn’t an option. 

I honestly don’t remember much of what happened after that. I’m sure we had a great time and whatever, but I do know that I gave up on birthdays after that and that I was no longer friends with 90% of the girls who showed up that day, which is sad. 

This happened so many times because I could not handle change, and it makes me so angry thinking about it. The humiliation is really what gets me. Everything else is annoying, but nothing is as bad as the humiliation of it all. Just being seen as an entitled drama queen when in reality you’re suffering so much on the inside. Ugh. And again, I don’t blame anyone for judging me at all. I would too. It would be the most ridiculous, small things that would push me over the edge, and I would either lock myself in the bathroom and cry, or I would shut down completely. There was never any “just go with the flow.”