Inside The Mind Of A Paranoid Child (Part 1)

 The hardest part about writing this was figuring out where to begin. It's been so crazy to look back and see how intrusive thoughts have taken over my entire life. One of them being death. All day, every day that was the only thought on my mind. And I never had anyone to tell that to. It was just me alone in my mind. I was very young when it was made pretty clear that I was no longer wanted in my family and I never felt like I had anyone to talk to. Although they never actually sent me away, I was always alone, usually in my room, sometimes outside. So this is going to be a story about just one of the many intrusive thoughts involving death that I had. 

It hurts a lot to look back and think about this one. I was born into an amazing life with a loving family. We had everything we needed and two big, happy families on each side. That is still how it is, just without me, of course. So, growing up, my grandparents would call each of their kids' houses every night. No matter what. They would call just to say hi and see how everyone's days were. For a while, I would get so excited and run to the phone to be the first to answer when I saw GMA and GPA come up on the caller ID. I loved answering and being the first to say hi...until I didn't. Out of nowhere, I couldn't answer the phone. I just knew that it was going to be "the call" (if you know what I mean) every time. They still called every night, but now I would run away from the phone. I couldn't answer it. I just knew. I would go into full panic mode and feel so unwell from another room, listening to whoever answered the phone to see how they sounded. There was absolutely no reason for me to be so scared. Literally nothing had happened. Also, two very healthy people. This same panic would happen anytime anyone in my family would call, whether it was my aunt or my other grandparents. Anyone older I guess. And as I said before, I was born into a family who all really loved each other and wanted to check in constantly, so they were always calling. 

It just makes me really sad to think about. I never talked to them on the phone again. Every single time they called, I ran away. Then one day, you do really get "the call," and you are filled with so much regret. I mean, I had a good eleven years I could've spent talking on the phone every night, but instead, this paranoia destroyed that. 

Of course, at a certain point the reason for me not answering the phone changed a little bit. I was extremely depressed and not exactly feeling loved by my family. I distanced myself from everyone, and now I say that I really "divorced myself" officially. So it's different now. But it hurts to think about not me but a kid who was so happy and would get so excited to see/talk to their family members but was now too paranoid to do it. The same thing happened when I would be alone with any of them. I couldn't do it. If I was alone with anyone older than me I would be in panic mode the entire time because again, I just knew that something was going to happen. Funny how you're supposed to feel safe with older people, yet I felt the complete opposite. 

I know a lot of my intrusive thoughts have caused a lot of people in my life to think that I hate them and that's another thing that hurts to think about. I'm not sure how they felt in this particular situation but I hope they didn't. Can't really ask now.